Bad communication is inconsistent, unclear, and often dishonest. It includes numerous behaviors and attitudes that damage trust, understanding, and intimacy in a relationship — as such, it’s the “silent killer” of relationships.
In contrast, good communication establishes trust, builds emotional connections, supports conflict resolution and joint decision-making, and prevents misunderstandings.
Therefore, it’s the foundation for a healthy, supportive, and enduring relationship.
To illustrate how bad communication can manifest in a relationship, I’ll use Mike and Naomi as examples of a couple who have struggled with this.
1. Poor Listening Skills
Actively listening and engaging with the other person is one of the main pillars of good communication.
Poor listeners may be easily distracted, fail to engage with the speaker, and prioritize their own thoughts and opinions over those of the other person.
If you have poor listening skills, you might not be fully present during the interaction, interrupt the other while they’re speaking, don’t try to understand their perspective, and ask leading questions (i.e., you’re looking for a specific answer rather than wanting to know how they truly feel).
For example, when Naomi tells Mike about her day, Mike is often somewhere completely different in his thoughts. He mutters the occasional “hm” and “yeah,” but he doesn’t ask any questions and isn’t fully engaged.
Naomi, on the other hand, often interrupts Mike when he’s speaking, especially when there’s a difference of opinion. She raises her voice and cuts him off mid-sentence to get her point across.
Good listening skills involve being attentive, showing interest, asking relevant questions, trying to understand the other person's perspective, and allowing them to speak without interruption.
2. Unhelpful Communication Styles
Partners might have unhelpful communication styles such as passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive ways of expressing themselves.
- Passive Communication: Avoids expressing opinions or feelings and prioritizes others’ needs over their own, often leading to resentment. For example, “It doesn’t matter to me. I’ll do whatever you want.”
- Aggressive Communication: Dominant, forceful, and often disrespectful with the aim to win or control; disregards others’ feelings. For example, “You always mess things up! Do it my way from now on.” Instead of communicating feelings calmly and constructively, they make underhand digs, sarcastic comments, or give the silent treatment.
- Passive-Aggressive Communication: Indirect, sarcastic, or subtly hostile; avoids confrontation but expresses dissatisfaction through other means. For example, “Sure, I’ll do it your way, even though it’s obviously wrong.”
Assertive yet kind communication is helpful because you express needs and desires clearly while respecting others. For example, "I feel upset when you cancel plans at the last minute. Can we try to plan more reliably?"
3. Criticism
Criticizing your partner without offering constructive feedback or suggestions can lead to defensiveness and resentment. It’s the first of the four main predictors of divorce, according to relationship expert John Gottman.
Similarly, using generalized statements like “you always” or “you never” ignores your partner’s positive actions and conveys feelings of blame and resentment.
Such statements are usually exaggerations and can make the partner feel attacked or unappreciated.
For example, Mike often criticizes Naomi’s looks and weight, while Naomi criticizes Mike for being lazy. She often gets frustrated because he doesn’t help with the household. She shouts at him, “You never help with the chores”, instead of suggesting ways they could divide them up.
Note, while it’s not necessarily her responsibility to do so, making suggestions is a more constructive approach and would help in their communication.
Both partners should be willing to communicate openly and work together to find solutions to their problems. Effective communication involves expressing concerns and criticism in a non-judgmental, specific, and constructive manner while also being open to listening to the other person's
4. Defensiveness
Partners becoming defensive in the face of constructive feedback and criticism can hinder resolution and lead to more conflict. It’s the third of the four main predictors of divorce, according to relationship expert John Gottman.
Examples of defensive behavior include:
- Blaming the other person: “It’s your fault that I react this way!”
- Making excuses: “I only did it because I was tired and stressed.”
- Dismissing their feelings: “You’re overreacting. It’s not a big deal.”
- Cross-complaining: Responding to a complaint with a complaint of your own, ignoring what your partner said.
For example, when Mike confronts Naomi about her interrupting him when he’s talking, she becomes defensive and says, “It’s because what you’re saying is untrue!”.
In this example, she refuses to listen and justifies her actions by
Instead of responding defensively, it's more productive to listen to the other person's perspective, validate their feelings, take responsibility for one's actions, and work together to find a solution.
5. Contempt
Contempt means you treat your partner with disdain and scorn and make them feel like they and their opinions are worthless. It’s the last of the four main predictors of divorce according to relationship expert John Gottman.
Contemptuous behavior can manifest in various forms, such as:
- Name-calling: Using derogatory names or insults to put down the other person.
- Eye-rolling: Rolling one’s eyes in response to the partner’s actions or words, indicating dismissal or disrespect.
- Sarcasm: Using a mocking or condescending tone to express disapproval or criticism.
- Hostile humor: Making jokes at the other person’s expense, belittling them, or using humor to convey contempt.
For example, Naomi had a picture of them printed and framed but when she showed it to Mike, he huffed and said, “That’s so cheesy.”
Naomi became upset and started to cry. In response, Mike rolled his eyes and said, “Why do you always have to make such a big deal? It’s just a stupid photo.”
Contemptuous behavior can create a toxic atmosphere in the relationship, eroding trust, respect, and emotional connection.
To counter contempt, partners should strive to express their feelings and concerns respectfully, appreciate each other's efforts, and validate each other's emotions. Fostering a culture of appreciation, gratitude, and mutual respect can help prevent contempt from taking root in the relationship.
6. Stonewalling
This term refers to turning away from another person and refusing to engage with them (a.k.a. “the silent treatment”). According to relationship expert John Gottman, it’s the second of the four main predictors of divorce.
Stonewalling occurs when one partner completely withdraws from the conversation, refusing to engage or respond.
Stonewalling can manifest in various ways, such as:
- Ignoring the other person: Refusing to acknowledge or respond to the partner’s attempts to communicate.
- Closed-off body language: For example, crossing your arms, avoiding eye contact, and turning away can communicate to your partner that you’re uninterested or defensive, and are trying to avoid them and/or the conversation.
- Walking away mid-conversation: Abruptly leaving the room or the conversation without resolution.
- Silent treatment: Refusing to speak to the other person for an extended period.
This behavior can cause the other person emotional harm because being excluded and ignored triggers the stress response (fight/flight) and increases anxiety.
Over time, stonewalling can erode trust and emotional connection in the relationship, as the other partner may feel increasingly helpless, frustrated, and emotionally isolated.
Stonewalling also prevents the resolution of conflicts and the addressing of important issues in the relationship. By refusing to engage in the conversation, the stonewalling partner effectively shuts down any possibility of finding a solution or reaching a compromise.
It’s important to consider the context when it comes to stonewalling. For example, it’s common for those who are neurodivergent to struggle with eye contact and portraying “appropriate” facial expressions. This just means they communicate differently (not poorly).
To prevent stonewalling, partners should strive to remain engaged in the conversation, even during difficult or emotionally charged discussions. If one partner feels overwhelmed and needs a break, they can communicate this need respectfully and agree on a time to revisit the conversation when both parties feel calmer and more prepared to address the issue constructively.
7. Dismissiveness
Dismissing your partner’s feelings, thoughts, and opinions is invalidating and potentially manipulative.
When Mike shares how he feels and Naomi says, “You’re just overreacting” or “You shouldn’t feel that way” she’s dismissing (or gaslighting) him.
Here are some other examples of dismissive language:
- “Whatever” implies the person’s words are not worth engaging with.
- “It’s not important” directly tells them their concern is insignificant.
- “That’s a stupid thing to say” insults their intelligence and dismisses their point.
- “You’ve said this a million times” suggests they are being repetitive and the issue is not worth revisiting, even if it remains unresolved.
Using language like this can make a partner feel devalued and cause them to become reluctant to share their thoughts and feelings openly.
In a healthy relationship, both partners should strive to really listen to each other, validate the other's perspectives even when they disagree, and engage in constructive dialogue to work through issues. Counseling or couples therapy can help partners develop more positive communication if dismissive language has become a problematic pattern.
8. Avoidance
You don’t have to talk to your partner about everything, but deliberately avoiding difficult topics and withholding important information or feelings can be damaging to a relationship.
While it’s okay to take breaks from difficult conversations to cool down and gather your thoughts, avoiding them altogether can create resentment and hinder progress towards a resolution.
Withholding information can be harmful. Bottling up feelings or important information can lead to resentment, anger, and eventually, a breakdown in communication.
For example, a few years ago, Naomi cheated on Mike. They didn’t break up, but Mike refused to talk about it.
When she tries to address the issue, he dismisses her, but on the inside, he feels resentful and hurt. He has angry outbursts and is often distant, refusing to engage in meaningful conversations with Naomi.
Honesty is key. Addressing difficult issues fosters trust, allows partners to express needs, and paves the way for finding solutions together.
9. Making Assumptions
Making assumptions about your partner’s feelings, thoughts, or intentions without asking is not conducive to healthy communication.
This also includes predicting what the other person will say. Often, when you try to predict what the other person is thinking, feeling, or about to say, you’re basing that on your own perceptions, feelings, and insecurities – not objective reality.
Assuming your partner can read your mind is also problematic for communication. Expecting them to know what you want or need without clearly communicating that can lead to unmet expectations and frustration.
10. Continuous cycles of the same argument
Continuous cycles of the same argument are a clear sign of poor communication in a relationship.
When couples find themselves constantly rehashing the same issues without resolution, it can lead to feelings of stagnation and frustration.
These repetitive quarrels often stem from common negative elements in their conversations, such as criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.
To break the cycle, couples need to focus on understanding each other's perspectives and finding solutions together.
What’s the Impact of Bad Communication?
Bad communication is damaging to a relationship because it can lead to the following outcomes:
Misunderstandings
Poor communication can lead to misunderstandings.
For example, if they say, “I need a bit of time alone when I get home from work” (without an explanation), you might interpret that to mean “She’s abandoning me” or “She doesn’t love me anymore” depending on your level of security.
This kind of interaction can easily lead to hurt feelings and conflict.
Resentment and Frustration
Unresolved conflicts and unexpressed feelings can build up over time, leading to resentment and frustration.
If one or both partners don’t express their feelings clearly and compassionately or avoid certain topics, they will experience a disconnect, which can be frustrating and upsetting (as with the example of Mike and Naomi above).
You might resent your partner for holding their feelings and thoughts back from you and not allowing you into their inner world.
Lack of Trust
You want the other person to listen and understand who you are, be present with you, and feel you can share your feelings and thoughts with them.
So, if they constantly make you feel unheard, dismissed, or invalidated, it erodes the trust between you.
Decreased Intimacy
Without open and honest communication, partners grow emotionally (and often physically) distant. They’re not connecting on a deeper level so the relationship can become shallow.
When communication is constantly challenging, one or both partners may withdraw emotionally to protect themselves, which further exacerbates poor communication and lack of intimacy.
Conflict Escalation
Conflict and arguments are a normal part of any relationship but in a healthy relationship, this conflict can be resolved effectively through good communication.
If communication is poor, it not only leads to more conflict (due to misunderstandings, lack of trust, dissatisfaction, etc.) but can escalate the conflict.
In other words, if the skills to resolve conflict are missing, arguments can become unnecessarily intense and damage the relationship.
Impact on Others
If you have a family or spend a lot of time with other people, they will likely notice the poor communication – or at least the outcome of poor communication: tension, arguments, and uneasy or awkward interactions.
It can lead to feelings of insecurity and instability for the whole family unit and/or make your friends very uncomfortable.
Relationship Dissolution
Poor communication means you’re likely less satisfied, lonely, and disillusioned in the relationship for all the above reasons. If the issues relating to poor communication can’t be resolved, it might lead to a breakup.
