Mommy issues in women refer to emotional challenges or behavioral patterns stemming from a complex or troubled relationship with their mother, potentially affecting their adult relationships and self-perception.

Mothers are often the primary caregivers, and these early experiences influence a girl’s attachment style, which can have a significant impact on her as a child as well as in her adult life and relationships.

Mommy issues can manifest differently, and everyone’s experience is unique. A person’s challenges are also not usually the result of one factor but a combination of different things, such as life experiences, trauma, peer interactions, and other family dynamics.

However, the mother-daughter relationship is powerful, and there are some common signs that may indicate mommy issues in women:

The unique bond between mothers and daughter

Mothers are often their daughters’ first female role models and thus teach them what it means to be a woman.

If a mother constantly criticizes her own appearance, has an unhealthy relationship with food, tolerates disrespectful behavior, reinforces traditional gender roles, or is competitive with her daughter, this will significantly affect a girl’s emotional and social development.

1. Negative body image

If a mother constantly criticizes her daughter’s weight, appearance, or clothes, it can slowly chip away at her body image.

A woman may become preoccupied with her appearance and constantly feel inadequate if her mother encourages unrealistic beauty standards or speaks negatively about her own body.

In some cases, this can also lead to eating disorders.

For example, a recently coined phrase “almond mom” describes a mother who encourages unhealthy eating advice and habits in her daughter to keep her skinny.

The phrase comes from a clip of Yolanda Hadid, the mother of model Gigi Hadid, who told Gigi to “eat a few almonds and chew them really well” after Gigi told her she was feeling faint after “eating like half an almond today.”

2. Low self-esteem and seeking validation

If a mother’s love and approval are conditional on her daughter’s achievements and behaviors, her self-esteem and confidence may diminish.

She may never feel good enough and constantly seek external validation from other people in real life and on social media.

It can manifest as negative self-talk like “I’m stupid” or “I’m so ugly”. She may dwell on mistakes and feel like a failure a lot of the time.

3. Feeling unworthy of love

A mother who is very critical, neglectful, or abusive may instill the belief in her daughter that she is unworthy of love.

As a result, she might constantly seek validation or isolate herself to avoid rejection.

She might become clingy and jealous, pick fights, or be emotionally avoidant.

By behaving in these ways, she subconsciously pushes partners away, which confirms her fear that she’s unworthy of love (like a self-fulfilling prophecy).

3. Fear of abandonment

Like the above, a woman might fear abandonment and rejection because she experienced this with her mother.

She might become clingy and preoccupied with relationships (aligned with an anxious attachment) or become emotionally distant and avoidant (aligned with an avoidant attachment).

For example, she might call and text her partner throughout the day and get very upset if he doesn’t reply immediately (clingy).

Or she might frequently cancel dates at the last minute or shut down conversations about commitment (avoidant).

4. Difficulties with emotional expression and being vulnerable

If a mother is very critical, dismisses her daughter’s feelings, or is inconsistent or unpredictable, it can impact a woman’s ability to open up and be vulnerable in relationships.

She might become emotionally distant and avoid intimacy and vulnerability in relationships, struggling to express her feelings openly.

For example, a mom constantly shut down her daughter’s attempts at talking about her feelings, saying things like “You’re so dramatic”.

As a result, this woman struggles to express her emotions in relationships as she’s worried it would be seen as dramatic or a burden.

5. Struggling with boundaries

A woman with mommy issues may struggle with establishing and maintaining boundaries. This may manifest in the following ways:

Difficulties saying no and asserting herself
Feeling uncomfortable when expressing her needs and limits
Tolerating partners and friends who are controlling or disrespectful because her sense of normal is distorted
Being overly attached and clingy in relationships (no strong sense of separation between “I” and “you”)

6. Excessive independence

As a way to cope, a woman with mommy issues might become extremely independent, rejecting help and not allowing others to care for her.

While independence can be a good thing, it can sometimes prevent the formation of close and intimate relationships.

For example, she might always feel like she has to prove herself and never be a “burden” on her mom, romantic partners, or friends.

She might believe showing emotions and asking for help are weak, so she builds a wall around herself and pushes people away if they try to get close to her.

7. Struggling with self-identity and individuation

In some mother-daughter dynamics, the mother is overly involved in her daughter’s life, doesn’t implement appropriate boundaries, and controls many aspects of her life.

As a result, the daughter might struggle to define herself outside of her relationship with her mother and have difficulty making independent decisions.

She might doubt her decisions, feel overly responsible for her mother, and feel guilty for wanting space.

8. Perfectionism and high standards for self and others

Some women with mommy issues internalize their mother’s unrealistically high standards in all aspects of life, from work to appearance to relationships.

They’re haunted by an intense fear of failure (of not receiving their mother’s and others’ approval) and often feel inadequate even when they have objectively succeeded.

They might hold others to these high standards as well, which can negatively impact relationships.

It can manifest as a need for control and order, difficulties delegating tasks, and criticizing others often.

9. Complex relationships with other women

A woman with mommy issues might see other women as threats, replicating a competitive dynamic with their mother. They might be very critical of other women as they’re projecting their own insecurities onto them.

As a result, they may struggle to form close bonds with women and feel more comfortable around men as they perceive them as less threatening or judgemental.

Conversely, they might seek closeness to other women, especially women who are similar to their mother (for example, a woman of similar age).

In an attempt to fill the maternal void, they might crave their approval and feel drawn to these replacement mother figures.

For example, a woman might find herself drawn to her college professor, who is warm and supportive towards her.

She might seek her out frequently, ask for her advice, and attempt to build a connection with her – subconsciously hoping to fill the void left by her own mother.

10. Difficulties parenting her own children

Some women with mommy issues don’t want to have children out of fear of repeating the same mistakes their own mom made.

In some cases, this can be true, and mommy issues can lead a woman to unintentionally repeat the same patterns with her own children.

However, she might do the opposite and overcompensate by being overly attentive or fearful.

In some cases, it can fuel parenting anxiety, and unresolved issues can lead to projecting insecurities onto her child.

For example, a woman may constantly worry that her baby isn’t sleeping or eating enough and believe she’s a bad mother (parenting anxiety).

Or if her own mom was a workaholic, she might feel she has to spend excessive time with her own kids (hovering as a result of projecting her own insecurities).

11. Mental health issues

Maternal abuse, neglect, or other forms of maltreatment can have a lasting impact on a woman’s mental health.

Low self-esteem, attachment issues, and not learning how to regulate difficult emotions can contribute to the development of mental health issues, such as depression or anxiety.

In severe cases of neglect and abuse, a woman may develop forms of post-traumatic stress disorder.

How women can resolve mommy issues

Resolving mommy issues, or issues and insecurities stemming from a difficult relationship between a mother and daughter, takes time and patience.

It’s often helpful to seek professional help as it can be difficult to fully understand these conflicts and insecurities and resolve them alone.

Nevertheless, there are things a woman can do to start the journey towards healing his mommy issues:

General advice

In general, addressing and resolving mommy issues involves:

Reflecting and developing awareness of your specific issues
Exploring the underlying emotions and triggers
Educating yourself on mommy issues and attachment styles
Establishing and setting boundaries
Practicing forgiveness and acceptance (where appropriate)
Self-care

Advice more specific to women

Here’s some advice that is more specific to women. It’s general advice, so it might not apply to everyone, but you might find some of it useful:

Societal and cultural expectations

Societal and cultural expectations of women can sometimes exacerbate mommy issues for several reasons.

Society often portrays the ideal mother-daughter relationship as close, nurturing, and built on unconditional love.

For women who don’t have this kind of relationship with their mothers, it can be very difficult and make them feel like they’re missing out or have failed in some way.

The cultural expectation that women should be nurturing and selfless can also put pressure on daughters to put their mother’s needs first – known as the “good daughter” myth.

They might feel like they’re obligated to prioritize their moms and have a good relationship with her, which can make it difficult to set boundaries and live an independent life.

Tips for overcoming societal and cultural expectations.

These social scripts are often deeply rooted and difficult to overcome, especially if you’re not aware of them. However, building awareness and challenging these expectations can lift some of the pressure.

Identify the messages around what it means to be a woman and daughter that clash with your experience. For example, if your mom wasn’t nurturing, the pressure to be nurturing might feel inauthentic and opposed to your experience.
Challenge these expectations and redefine what it means for you to be a woman or daughter (focus on your values)
Find your voice and practice assertive communication when you’re faced with comments or information that wants to force you to conform to these standards and norms
Every mother-daughter relationship is different – accept that there’s no such thing as a perfect family and celebrate the good parts about yours. For example, your mom might hold you to impossible standards and be quite critical, but she might also be supportive when it comes to education or work.
You might find it helpful to connect with women who have similar experiences and learn from women who don’t adhere to traditional stereotypes and expectations.

Challenge your inner (maternal) critic

Mothers can play a significant role in shaping a daughter’s self-esteem and body image through comments and behaviors.

Negative messages about appearance and the mother’s own relationship to her body can have a lasting impact on a woman’s confidence.

Pay attention to your self-talk: what does your inner critic say? What tone and words does it use? Can you hear your mom in this voice?
Challenge the narrative: are those thoughts true or helpful? Are they based on facts?
Reframe: try to reframe the criticism into something more useful. For example, instead of saying “I’m a failure”, try to say, “I’m learning, and I’ll try again next time.”
Treat yourself with kindness: would you speak to someone you love and care about in this way? If not, why do you speak to yourself in this way? How would you speak to your friend if they were struggling? Try to use that same kindness and understanding for yourself.
Focus on strengths: Make a list of your strengths, talents, and accomplishments. Stick it somewhere you can see it and read it daily to remind yourself of your successes.
Embrace your imperfections: everyone makes mistakes. Learn to accept yourself and where you are on your journey. You can strive for self-improvement while still loving yourself as you are.
Seek support: While you can practice a lot of these techniques alone, it might be good to seek the support of a therapist so they can help you along this journey.
Set boundaries: If your mom still criticizes you or makes comments about your appearance, it’s probably important to set boundaries.

Gain independence from your mother

Blurred boundaries (or enmeshment) are also more common between mothers and their daughters. This can result in the daughter having difficulty developing her own sense of identity apart from her mother.

She might feel overly responsible for her mother and experience guilt for seeking independence.

Identify signs of enmeshment: reflect on your relationship with your mother. Are there signs like emotional fusion, oversharing, lack of individual identity, or codependency?
Acknowledge the feelings that arise: Identify the emotions that come up when you think about your relationship. Frustration, anger, sadness, or guilt are all valid.
Set boundaries: setting boundaries can be challenging. Start with small, clear limits, like specific times you’ll talk on the phone or not discussing certain topics. Explain to your mom why boundaries are important for you to keep having a healthy relationship.
Practice saying no: learn to say no politely but assertively.
Focus on you: explore who you are outside of your relationship with your mom. What are your interests, goals, and dreams? How can you achieve those?
Expand your social circle: make new friends by pursuing hobbies or joining groups.
Seek professional support: again, you can do a lot of this work alone but when you have a dependent relationship with your mom it can be difficult to untangle it on your own. A therapist can provide insight, teach you assertive communication techniques and ways to set boundaries and support you to build your self-esteem and confidence.

Remember that healing mommy issues takes time and patience – don’t expect things to change overnight.

There might be setbacks and obstacles, but if you keep working on them, you’ll start seeing small changes that eventually lead to bigger changes.

It’s a journey and you’ll learn many new things about yourself on the way. Always make time for self-care and never hesitate to ask for support.

Mommy Issues In Women (and how to fix them)